I recently realized how little I care about how other people see me anymore. I don’t know if this is a matter of growing up or giving up, but either way, I see it as a positive thing. I no longer care enough to wonder if bullshit hipster girls want to fuck me (they don’t) or if random people on the street make fun of me sometimes (they do), as I now feel absolutely withdrawn from my immediate slice of the world.
In a good way.
Mostly.
Moving away from all of my friends (again) has allowed me to really live “on my own.” Sure, my mom’s apartment is right downstairs and she tells me when she’s cooking something I might like and gives me quarters to do my laundry, but in most real terms, I’m on my own.
I go into the city alone, walk around alone, go home alone, watch movies and read alone.
I communicate with my friends entirely by proxy, either phone or internet, and that fills my social gap well enough. I miss them all terribly, but at least I’m still in contact with them. I have no desire to make new friends, honestly. Beyond this, I don’t think I have the ability to make new friends. I’m not bummed about that, though. I think I’m fairly well off as I am.
I don’t know the last time I felt like I had to impress someone, it’s been a very long time. I have nothing to prove to anyone… and that’s pretty cool. I wouldn’t say that I’m a particularly confident person, but my self-assurance has certainly matured quite a bit in the past year-or-so. I know what I can and cannot do and I’m mostly OK with those boundaries. I wish that I could be physically stronger and more masculine, but that’s just about the last insecurity I have bundled up in me. It’s calm, it feels like my life has smoothed over. A large portion of this is probably due to the fact that I’m on “disability leave” from school this semester and free from all of the stresses that come with those honored 12-15 credit hours, but some of this comfort is owed to the blissful apathy I have recently allowed myself to nourish.
Everyone who is subject to this dumb blog is a friend of mine, most are very close and dear friends. I figured, as such, I’d tell you all how it’s going with me out here in California. I’m lonely, but I’m ok. I’m getting a good grip on the public transportation out here and I’m starting to learn my way around San Francisco. I’m eating well, exercising regularly, going outside more than I used to, walking a lot and reading more than I usually do. I have some new clothes and they all look alright on my body. My apartment setup works for me and my neighbors are all quiet and clean. I’ve made an official habit of ending my weekends by getting drunk, listening to “IDM” or “minimal techno” and laying on top of my blankets, spread out on the floor. This goes on every Sunday night and into Monday morning and is very nice. I’m going to start my once-a-week volunteer position as an assistant art teacher in a class for people with disabilities in about two weeks from now. In another two weeks out from that, I’ll be starting that new arthritis treatment and feeling like crap, physically, for about two months. Then, hopefully, I’ll start to feel a lot better than I have in a long time. I have to pay to use the library here, which is kind of bullshit, and, as such, I don’t think I’m going to do it.
Anyway, I just thought I’d fill you in on what’s going on with me, inside and out, as most of you are among my absolute closest friends in the world. and I miss you. and I love you. so much.
And now, back to the usual stuff.
I love PJ so much.
And this is pretty much exactly how I feel and have been living my life since I’ve been back at school. Lil Peej just articulated it perfectly for me, and I must thank him. However, I don’t end my weekends getting drunk and laying down on the floor. I end my weekends exactly like I end my week days: by reading books I should have read a long time ago and then listening to something like the Tallest Man on Earth or Right Away Great Captain before falling asleep.
I also love Peej’s transition from his arthritis medicine/terrible feeling body to how he has to pay for the library. Lovely. I love it so much.
I love PJ so much.
